From birth, a child is unconsciously focused on developing. A child who is given the space to explore the world around him and learn to understand it will do so at his own pace and according to his abilities. Not because you as a parent want it, but because your child wants to discover. A young child might take that little extra step if he also feels the support of his parents, whom he trusts the most, but only if he feels secure enough. Because he feels like he can do it. He is focused on growth because he wants to and feels confident enough! By rewarding, you take away your child’s sense that he can rely on himself for the next step. Your child misses the opportunity to take the next step simply because he wants to. This shifts his motivation to grow from inside to outside. He no longer does it because he wants to, is ready for it, but because he gets a reward.
For hundreds of thousands of years, children were not rewarded for the steps or leaps they made in their development. They did not learn that they mostly received hugs and attention when they were developing. Affection and love are what a child always needs, especially at his most vulnerable moments, and certainly not only when he takes the next step or leap in life. By rewarding a child (im)materially, you take away his ability to trust himself. With each reward, the chance grows that your child will stray from his own path (Tao), feels increasing pressure, and becomes unbalanced.
Loving parenting is allowing your child his own path (Tao), in balance (Yin & Yang), and without force (Wu wei). Along the way, he needs your unconditional love and affection, even in moments when taking steps and making leaps in his life does not always come naturally.
The most valuable ‘reward’ you can give your child is your unconditional love and support, so he can experience that it is okay to fall and that he has the strength within him to get back up and keep going.
- In the fall of 2026, Trias Vita will also start an (online) course on how to support a child’s development without punishing or rewarding them. You can find more info about this here;
- Trias Vita coaches (exceptionally) gifted children and youngsters from an ecosystemic Taoist perspective to help them develop a healthy self-image. You can find more info about this here (update 2026-08-27: now part of ‘Mirror Theatre‘);
- At the end of August 2026, Trias Vita will start new ‘Natural Oasis’ groups. Children aged 3 to 5 will discover, through play, who they are in relation to themselves and others (update 2026-08-27: from 2027 part of ‘Mirror Theatre‘).
If you are interested in coaching, the (online) course, or ‘Natural Oasis’, email Trias Vita.
Trias Vita is a centre for lifelong development that supports children and young people to develop in connection with themselves, others, and the natural environment from an ecosystemic Taoist life perspective: finding your path (Tao) in balance (Yin & Yang) and without force (Wu wei).
Any questions? Mail to info@triasvita.com.
More about Trias Vita on this website.
Vicki Van Lommel, founder Trias Vita